I open my packs and the first pack I rip open pull out a R umi, worth 3750 yen. She’s just an akatsuki clone that is spammable but it’s totally in high demand and is gonna make love live a top tier deck. Since this set is so OP with new shit, it’s basically just a new deck altogether and I’m pretty much only going to use 4 cards from the older sets which are now worth three times what it used to be.
2nd pack. The pack was full of jank commons. Oh look, another hanayo vanilla. I keep opening packs, and to my pleasure I get the legendary SP alpaca which is now a 3/2 that burns for 5 twice if you attack and you have another character on board (who gives a shit about traits anymore, we all build with the same traits anyways). When I was opening packs I was talking to random weebs on foreign and then I read the instruction paper written in moon runes so I’m basically an expert on this set now. So after talking to the foreign weebs, I was utterly convinced that love live finally has everything it needs to be “good”- a generic early drop healer, a ‘musashi’ clone, the legendary alpaca finisher, a running suicider that changes into a 1/1 9k, and a decent brainstorm. Bushiroad was doing so much work reprinting the same effects on different art, I couldn’t possibly worship them more and glorify the greatness of their design team. However, the last idolmaster set had a finisher that could let you attack 6 times so naturally Love Live still sucks.
Once I was finished with a heated conversation on foreign that ended with some Australian guy calling everyone trash, this kid from Singapore convincing everyone he’s always right, some neckbeard from America posting about chicken nuggets and some random scrub posting his shitty Weiss blog with a decklist, I decided to head to my locals and trash some noobs with my new cute idols.
Round 1: some English deck
Don’t even need to name the series because it’s english and it isn’t kantai. After a couple of turns of him turning cards sideways, I hit level 1 and start punching the shit out of him. He plays one of his cards incorrectly, and i kindly remind him of the card’s effect. He insists that he is playing it correctly, so I pick up the card and read it out loud to him. Apparently it doesn’t matter what language your cards are in because you wouldn’t read the damn thing either way. I shove him to level 3 with my superior moon rune cards, then drop my 3 musashi/yami clones for game. The guy lamented about how LL was unfair and called my waifu trash, so i casually picked up his deck and tossed it in the garbage.
Round 2: “metakoi”
Wtf this is 2017 and people still call this shit meta LOL. I completely rape him with my 1/1 13ks, then throw down my generic early drop healer and use my costless anti-change to throw onodera in the trash can she belongs in. He tries to summon marika, but because I had my spammable Umi worth 6700 yen (it went up 3 hours after I checked), and because marika is so shitty that she had to be grilled, I canceled everything. I summoned the left leg of exodia and hit for 3 damage, which demoralizes the guy and has to spend 3 episodes sulking until the power of friendship gets him back on his feet.
it is at this point that things get serious.
Round 3: Jon motherfucking Borden
holy shit, the legend. When I went to go shake his hand, I could feel my inner regret piling up. When I touched his hand, I had this sudden urge to sanitize myself and burn my hand off. I quickly ended my physical interaction with him, ran to the restroom to throw up then washed my hands thoroughly so that I wouldn’t touch my deck with filthy hands. At level 0, he opens the kreeto runner and swings for 2. Because Borden is the ultimate cheater, I open no level 0s and decide to wait it out till level 1. The plan works, and I promptly smash his shitty clock encore sinons (who the fuck plays 1/0 6ks in 2017?) and smash him to level 2.
then, it happens.
on my next turn, I slam down my generic early drop healers (I forgot her name, but she looks just like the girl from that other anime) and swing.
- fucking. leafa. counters. Hellodarknessmyoldfriend
what the shit. He didn’t even kill my level 3s, he just countered for the sake of countering. wait. how did he cancel 3 times when he was 6 out???
> Cancels 3 times
> 6 out
> all divisible by 3
> 3 = sides of a triangle
I try to call him out on his bullshit, but because he is the self-proclaimed protagonist he uses his protagonist shield to counter call my bullshit and try to call me out on my bullshit that I was playing early drop healers incorrectly
I look down to read my moon runes, only to realize I can’t fucking read moon runes. Shit. Time to go on heart of the cards. I pull out my phone, but because my internet fucking blows my “4g” actually takes 4 minutes to load the first web page. Suddenly, I am panicking. I have no way to prove that my cards are actually being played correctly. How will I get through this trial???
Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!
Fuck that. That’s when I came to the realization the defeating Borden at Weiss doesn’t actually mean anything because he’s just a meme anyways. In order to truly defeat Borden, I must transcend him and become the ultimate meme. I quickly look at the board and instantly figured out the answer. MY HEALERS WERE GREEN. I tell Borden that because my healers are green and all green healers do the same thing (they fucking heal) I was playing them correctly. I lecture him about how green is the best color in Weiss Schwarz and because my super saiyan bullshit is infinitely more powerful than his, I am victorious. Little did I know, during this whole fiasco he was stacking climaxes back on top of his deck. He activates his loli-brainstormer for 3.
- more. Leafa. Counters.
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
He swings, pushing me to level 3. The game is really close, until my next draw. The legendary +2 soul makes it appearance. Spending all of my stock on more generic on-cancel bullshit effects, I slam down my 3/2s and +2 soul.
MUHAHAHA I HAVE 3 LEAFA COUNTERS – Tryhard Extraordinaire Borden 2016
“side attack for 4?”
The game was over swiftly after, and out of shame his 17th alt account was banned from foreign and we never heard from him again.
Round 4: that WTS guy with overpriced sleeves
As soon as I sit down, I immediately notice this guy’s playmat and “COMIKET” literally plastered all over it. This guy was no joke. He was using some high tech, state of the art card accessories from the fabled COMIKET and would use his superior technology to destroy me in call of duty advanced warfare. For some odd reason, this guy keeps putting his cards facedown as if he was trying to show off his sick MLG card sleeves. He takes his first turn by setting 2 cards facedown and passing.
Me: “umm…what is that?”
Him: “a sleeve covering a card”
Me: “what? Ok…so can you flip it over?
> flips card over
Me: “what the fuck.”
So this time, its another LL deck, but im staring at an SP runner eli with some backrow that I never bothered to read. I silently jizz at its beauty and we play a couple of turns out. When we both reach level 1, he plays some 4350 yen promo I have never bothered to read cause fuck that price I have bills to pay, and I ask him what it does.
“what’s the power, and what does it do?” I ask
“75 dollars” – WTS guy
“75 dollars for the sleeves.”
“I asked for the power of your eli, cause you have backrow”
“free shipping if you buy 2 or more.”
……I’m getting tired of this shit.
I say fuck it and throw down my 1/1 13ks, play a +2k2 climax (yeah, we have those now) and front attack because my 30 cent 1/1 beaters > his 4350 yen (sold out) promos.
He plays some shiny backup from his hand.
“how much power?” I ask.
“45 USD, paypal only”
He puts his card in reverse, implying that he didn’t have enough power. Wait, why the fuck did he even play it in the first place?
I decide to pull out my phone and open facebook messenger. I immediately send a message to Rex, the master of WTS posts, and I ask him wtf is going on.
His reply: “WTS ALL MY CARDS NEED MONEY FOR MORE UZUKIS”, followed by his album of cards that for some reason, never seems to have anything I want.